How to Listen So People Can Think

Couples

If you look into each other’s eyes, really seeing each other,
five minutes a day can keep a relationship going.

Staying in love

What if marriage vows included one more promise?

'I promise to listen to you with my full attention,
without interrupting,
for at least five minutes every day.'
The better you are at giving your interested attention, not interrupting,
the more your partner is likely to feel respected and valued.
Active love

In Practice

Suggest to your partner – or a good friend or colleague – that you listen to each other and give each other time to think. First, one of you speaks and thinks, while the other listens with their full attention without saying anything. Then you change roles.

  • Promise each other not to interrupt or comment.
  • The person thinking, the Thinker, can be silent for some of the time, or even all the
    time.
  • The listener gives their full attention to the person who is thinking. If the listener has an idea that’s really important, it will come back later, when you change roles.
  • Take equal amounts of time. Start with a few minutes each and extend the time when you have got used to it. 
  • When you have both finished thinking, tell your partner a quality that you appreciate in them. (Something they are, not something they have said or done. 'I appreciate that you are so ....' ). More under Appreciation.

Some people find this a little awkward at first, but get used to it and find huge value in thinking for themselves, knowing that they will not be interrupted, and that they are of such importance to their partner that they are worthy of their interested, uninterrupted attention.
Many issues have been resolved with the help of 'Only'

Two questions and another person's attention

> What would you like to think about and what are your thoughts?

If the thinker gets stuck and needs something from you:

> What more do you think, or feel, or want to say?
the Thinking partner's

Four promises

> I will not interrupt.
> I will stay interested.
> I will not tell anyone what you have thought or said.

> I will never ask you about the content of this session.*


* If you want to tell me, please do, but be assured that I will not ask. This promise frees the thinker to explore ideas that they may later decide not to pursue.
A couple living together may want to adapt this promise when they are thinking about topics that concern them both. But when they are thinking about a personal topic, they may prefer to know that their thinking will be free from uninvited comment or suggestion.
MorE

Resources

Examples of couples who regularly give each other time to think, and how that benefits their relationship, can be found in the book 'How to Listen so People Can Think' (free download),' pp. 171–181.
More detail on the structure Thinking Pairs, see  One Person Thinking and 'How to Listen so People Can Think' pp. 26-38.
Dealing with difficult issues, see Conflict and Polarisation.
FALLINg IN LOVE AGAIN 

Why I love Thinking Pairs
Every time I ask for time to think, my husband takes the time. By now, has given me more than a thousand thinking sessions. Even now, more than 30 years after we were married, I fall in love again every time  I look into his eyes.

Monica Schüldt

Time To Think Faculty