How to Listen So People Can Think

Young people

When young people are given the chance to think, they grow,
both in their own eyes and in the eyes of adults.
Relationships improve too.

Enabling young people to think

Your undivided, interested attention gives the young person the opportunity to think for themselves.

This strengthens their self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

Even though – or perhaps because? – you are saying nothing, you are giving the young person something immensely valuable.
how you can support young people in thinking for themselves

In Practice

  • Choose a question on which you would like children’s or young people’s thinking. Or just start listening.
  • If necessary, make sure they have adequate, accurate information.
    Often, they have all the information they need. They know and understand far more than many adults believe.
  • Listen with interest. Don’t interrupt.
  • At the end, see what happens if you tell them a quality you
    appreciate in them. (More on Appreciation.)
     
How did they respond to being asked ? What did they look like
while you listened ? How did their thinking develop ? How did it
affect your relationship ?

‘It's never seriously occurred to me that people might not be interested in what I think.’

Emma S.

Aged 18
The importance of

Place

Often, the best conditions for young people to think are driving somewhere, or on a walk, or – luxury – in the relaxing warm pool of a spa. Parents tend to know.

Just make sure
the surroundings aren’t too distracting: good attention is
always crucial.
It’s usually is best to simply listen and not interrupt,
but there are times when the child or young person needs something from
you – a confirmation of some kind, or a question.

If they really want your advice, and if they have already done their own thinking, you may want to provide any missing information and/or your experience and then ask:
'What do you think now?'
In that way, your information becomes part of their young person's thinking, and is more likely to be of use to them.
Many issues have been resolved with the help of 'Only'

Two questions and your attention

> What would you like to think about and what are your thoughts?

If the young person gets stuck and needs something from you:

> What more do you think, or feel, or want to say?

Your promises – explicit or implicit 

> I will not interrupt.
> I will stay interested.
> I will not tell anyone what you have thought or said.

> I will never ask you about the content of this session.*


* If you want to tell me, please do, but be assured that I will not ask. This promise frees the young person to explore ideas that they may later decide not to pursue.
More

Resources

'Ask a child or young person what they think' in 'How to Listen so People Can Think' (free download) pp. 88-97
Attention, Ease and Appreciation are essential.

Groups – Rounds

In a group, the Rounds structure ensures that everybody, regardless of age and power, gets equal time to think about a question and equally fine attention from everyone. This ensures that young people's thinking is included, and it is invaluable, both to the young person and to the outcome of the group's work.
 

Why I love offering young people time to think
When a young person figures something out for themselves, they are not only finding a solution to their problem: they are also realising that they can think for themselves, an insight that can be invaluable. I can think of no finer way to spend time, than to be instrumental in allowing a young person to reach that insight.

Monica Schüldt

Time To Think Faculty